Mudpies and Fishfrys (Installment #3):
The day after Easter: candy wrappers, multi-colored fake “hay” (which no doubt will be like Christmas Tree icicles and show up everywhere for the next year in the strangest places) and empty plastic eggs once holding a measly single piece of candy (most likely a Hershey’s Kiss) are all strewn all over the floor – I’m left with one strain of thought…
I like candy. I love candy. I have some great memories in my life which are candy-centric. Those fake cigarettes with the fake smoke (don’t tell me you never rolled them up in your sweet sweaty white t-shirt). Bazooka Joe gum with the comic in it. The gum from packs of baseball cards (which ruined many a card… also how long is that gum viable? 2 minutes tops – that’s an example of exponential decay for you math nerds out there). Sky Bars (which flavor within the bar was the best? the marshmallow? fudge? caramel? peanut butter? debate). Fun Dip (was that stick made of chalk?) and Big League Chew at the baseball field. Wax soda bottles (good gravy what the heck was I thinking eating that?! might as well chew on a freakin’ candle). I digress…
When I think of holiday candy specifically I think of one word: WASTE. Let me proffer my reasoning by giving you an example from no less than three holidays.
1.) Christmas: The Candy Cane
As a decoration I “get it”. But as “candy” proper – I don’t understand. Nobody eats these. Nobody. (Obviously I’m exaggerating here, but my overall point I’m sure is clear). Think about yourself “eating” one of these.
MANY issues here.
#1: Where do you start? Choices:
a.) Start at the curve: Very uncomfortable – Very dangerous. Potential safety hazard when sticking it in your mouth. Some over-zealous individuals would place the whole of the curve in their mouth only to freak out (understandably) when they realize there’s “just a little too much in there”. What then?! They could potentially “Gong Show” their tonsils. (you know… what happened to the people who sucked on Gong Show… yeah…)
b.) Start at the straight end: Well what happens when you reach the bottom (the dreaded curve)? And that’s not the biggest issue here (see #2)!
c.) Smash it to bits and eat it that way: Problem there is that there’s no best way of smashing it. No matter how you do it there’s going to be bits and pieces all over the place. You’ll have pieces on the floor, stuck on the bottom of your shoe, etc.
#2: Danger! Here’s a question that you’ll know the answer to if you’ve ever eaten one of these things: What happens after 5 minutes or so of sucking on a candy cane? I’ll tell you what happens. You end up with a freakin’ weapon that Jack Bauer would use to stab a terrorist in the throat clear to the back of the guy’s neck! Why the heck would you want that in your own mouth?! Insanity. If you’re not careful you could EASILY perforate your throat and your entire tongue. You want a tongue looking like a piece of swiss? I’m not signing up for that.
#3: The Size: Let’s face it. The Candy Cane is just too big. Let’s set aside the serious aformentioned issues for a second. Who finishes these things? After partys look in the trash barrels. You’ll either see WHOLE (not even opened) or half-finished (at best) candy canes. Let’s be honest here. If anyone wants “a bit o’ peppermint” they reach for those single round after dinner peppermints. Not a candy cane. Why? Size.
Everybody buys Candy Canes but nobody eats them or enjoys them. WASTE.
Let’s get to the second holiday candy:
2.) Halloween: Candy Corn
Candy Corn is gross. Period. The taste is disgusting with it’s waxy consistency, foreign taste (what’s it supposed to taste like anyway?) and looking like a rotten fang from some strange diseased animal. Why would you eat that? Everybody buys it at Halloween but no one eats it. WASTE. Do you seriously think that kids go home after trick or treating and eat this stuff? You would be wrong. It is, like the candy cane, used for decorations on cupcakes and the like. I understand that. But guess what happens to them once a child picks up your wonderfully crafted Martha Stewart-inspired cupcake? They pull the disgusting little pieces from the cupcake and throw them away! Then and only then will they gorge themselves.
The third and last example:
3.) Easter: Peeps
Peeps. Ever take out a Peep and leave it out for 30 seconds then try to eat it? Hard as a rock. (What kind of “great quality candy” is that?!) That’s an issue. You have to rip open the packaging and shove your face in the box eating every peep as fast as is humanly (I use this word loosely) possible. For some people that’s not a problem. Well it’s a problem for me. Why? Simply put: I AM NOT A BEAST. I hear stories of people eating box after box of peeps. I feel sick for you all. Stop. You are all delusional. Let me shed some light on this phenomenon: At some point in the past there arose an idea: “Peeps are cool”. Peeps were funny. They were the talk of college campuses. They would come up in ordinary conversations betwixt the everymen of this world. A perfect example of somethings “idea” being greater than the actuality. This happens all the time in pop-culture. So now people think that they need to expound the pseudo-virutes of the peep to save face and to maintain their status in whatever sick micro-society they want to find themselves comfortable in. Sad times we live in. We all know it. Will I be the only “brave one” to tell it how it is?! Shout it out loud! “PEEPS ARE GROSS!”.
I’m off to eat a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. A normal and very tasty treat!